Sometimes It Rains

I have debated and debated about writing a post about this. So the compromise I made with myself is that I would write it, because sometimes that's cathartic, and sometime when it's farther away from the present I can post it. Now it's only a month away, but it turns out that's enough time for me. I started this blog to process my health concerns and chronicle the things I try to do to help myself out. This is important to me, definitely is affected by my health and affects my health. So I'm writing about it. :)

I have posted before about how excited I am to try to have another kiddo, to try to have a VBAC and in that way conquer my c-section.

The hubs and I recently decided it would be okay to grow our family. I had all my labs done, talked to my doctor, and felt as sure as I could that my body was healthy! We got pregnant right away and promptly had a miscarriage. I think it's because I was unknowingly taking an abortifacient (you know, ones that can cause abortions) herb in my multi-vitamin, but it doesn't really matter.

We tried again right away and got pregnant again! Only at my eight week ultrasound, they said there was no heartbeat and to expect a miscarriage. It was incredibly awkward and horrible because a) there was a student ultrasound tech there who clearly didn't get it at first and b) they knew that something was wrong before I did. "We just need to take more pictures." "Um....let me go get the doctor so they can talk to you." Sigh. In the span of three months, I've been pregnant twice and disappointed twice.

I read the ultrasound report and it turns out that the egg sac was 'enlarged'. I guess that can be an indicator of genetic defects. It was clear that there was a hemorrhage around the egg sac, so it was pretty clear that Baby had already....become unstuck.

The thing about miscarriages is that, for me at least, it doesn't take that much time to mentally move on. What really bites is that the whole thing is long, drawn-out process. I haven't ever really considered it before, but Readers, a miscarriage takes TIME. Weeks, days, horribly long minutes.

So, one day you're thinking about what's for dinner and the next morning you're reminded that you are, in fact, having a miscarriage. And it last and lasts and, lest we forget, it really, really hurts. In my opinion, it was worse than my early stages of labor. My theory is that with labor there's a baby coming! So it hurts less. With miscarriage there's nothing coming! Yay! So it hurts more.

The other thing that made this particular miscarriage less than enjoyable was the absence (due to work obligations) of my husband. Gah.

I know how lucky I am to have the kids I have. The disappointment I felt is nothing compared to the sadness and disappointment I now imagine women who have been trying for years must feel. My kids were a bright reminder of the joy I already have.

Largely, the last two weeks, I haven't been eating as I normally would. I have succumbed to a raging desire for Snickers (technically wheat free) and Pillsbury frosting (which is mostly made of corn, processed corn, and more processed corn, all with different names). I just needed to confess. I have been trying to eat salads in the futile hope it balances out the nasty processed food I am indulging in.:D

I am concerned that the reason I haven't had another successful pregnancy so far is because of my thyroid or because of the weird autoimmune processes that are probably going on behind the scenes. But I will probably never know that. The University Hospital Center for Midwifery in Denver staff has been extremely supportive and wonderful. They aren't worried about the miscarriages right now because there's no reason to assume something besides regular ol' miscarrying is going on. One of my nurse midwives is actually pregnant right now, but she felt it might be helpful to tell me that she has had three miscarriages and three children. That's so amazing and encouraging! I can't tell you how I love to hear miscarriage stories because a) lots of women who have miscarriages go on to have children and b) women who have miscarriages survive and move on and are content.

I don't know why these things happen, but I do believe that God uses horrible things like this to refine us and help us become more compassionate, Christ-like believers. There is purpose in pain.

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; 

 I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this.
    How can I let myself be defamed?
    I will not yield my glory to another."

Isaiah 48: 10-11