My Love Affair With ClearVite

So far, I've been very impressed with ClearVite. No, they're not paying me. :) The strangest thing has happened in the last few days. It's starting to taste good to me. Not merely palatable--good! I think that my body has given up assuming that it's just a nasty-ass, cardboard-tasting, powdery food-replacement and has instead accepted it for what it is. Vanilla-flavored, protein-filled, vitamin-filled goodness. That might be going too far, but it does taste better. The actual absorption of calories must have made a good impression on my taste buds.

Right now, I'm taking ClearVite three times a day and I haven't noticed any sort of ill effects. In fact, I have only noticed positive things. At this point, Day 11, I am more worried about what will happen to me when I stop taking ClearVite. I fear that I may lapse straight back into a horrible Land of D. But even if I do, it's been a good three weeks. I may have even gained some weight back! (That's a weird, unnatural place for a woman to be--glad to be gaining weight. :) )

Milk, Not From the Teat

I mentioned in my last post that we don't buy cow's milk anymore. This is a major life change for my husband, who has a love affair with milk. When he has low blood sugars, I would often find the milk jug smeared with peanut butter from his binges. (He has diabetes; peanut butter and milk are a good blood sugar stabilizer...)

I feel a lot like a hippie, but otherwise I haven't really noticed the change. Let's just say I think our house smells better now that Dear Husband (DH) doesn't drink milk.

Here's the rundown:

Rice Milk-This is our favorite because it has NO taste. None at all. It's kind of watery though, like watered-down, tasteless skim milk. I'm not selling it very well. But it's rice! It's anti-inflammatory!

Almond Milk- This milk is great. It's creamier than rice milk, but it kind of tastes nutty, which is to be expected.

Coconut Milk- Tastes just like...coconut. DH loves this because he loves pina coladas and anything that tastes tropical. I dislike this milk for the same reason. Dear Son is on the fence. :)

Soy Milk-DH thinks this tastes like grass. I think it tastes wonderful. :) My son has diarrhea when he drinks it and my baby gets constipated. Overall, none of us can agree to like or dislike it so it's a loser. :( Plus, I've read that if you drink too much soy milk you get too much girl hormone going on. Jeremy Piven started growing boobies because of his soy latte habit. That is reason enough not to give it to my son...

Goat Milk-Okay, this one is from a goat's tit. :) Again, our family has disagreements. Zach loves goat's milk. He says it's because of the taste, I say it's because it reminds him of being in Africa. I think it tastes like grass and smells like a farm. This makes me wonder if cow milk has the same scents and tastes, but I don't notice it...which kind of grosses me out.

Hemp Milk-This is the hippiest of the milk we have tried. Most hippy? I told a neighbor we were trying and she said it was a little bit 'granola'. Let's be honest, it's a lot 'granola', but it's also scrumptious. It's also the winner of our family taste tests and is so creamy that we actually cut it with water. The manufacturer's don't add carageenan in, which might cause some inflammation, so that's nice. When I made the switch from rice milk to some hemp milk we had, my Dear Daughter threw her sippy cup at me in anger. DH was quick to remind me that hemp, though related to pot, does not have THC. :)

Flax Milk-Also, yummy!!!! Plus it's from North Dakota (where I was born) so I am partial to supporting our nation's agricultural base.

Who knew there were so many options? At a local health food store I spotted oat milk, hazelnut milk, and coconut water.

Detoxification: I Won't Go!

I did a bad thing.

I Googled ClearVite.

The first thing I found was a Facebook discussion in which two women were discussing how it gave them diarrhea. I'm a little confused why a cleanse would give some people diarrhea and would give me the opposite of diarrhea, that is, a fantastic bathroom experience!

I gave up Googling because I realized that a) if this is working for me, who the hell cares what happened to a poor stranger's bowels? and b) Googling always begets worry. In fact, Googling anything health-related generally multiplies fear, anxiety, paranoia, etc. etc. So I re-read the ClearVite pamphlet instead.

I now realize that until today I have been in what is called the 'Preparation Phase'. Today is the start of 'Detoxification'. Not only does this make me feel like a drug addict, but I'm anticipating that taking ClearVite powder three times a day will do something new, somehow, to my body. Maybe this is when I will be deep in the throes of withdrawal.

The drug cocktail: bread, milk, eggs, peanuts, soy, corn, and tomoatoes (BMEPSCT). Withdrawal Symptoms Include: Fantasies about bread, dreams about fast food restaurants (particularly Arby's and KFC), subconsicously 'forgetting' that I'm not allowed to eat certain things, and shyly avoiding the subject of food entirely in conversation.

Perhaps the saddest part of this process has been watching my family go through some of the BMEPSCT withdrawal. Cruelly, since I am the major cook here, they are forced to eat things like gluten-free pizza, rice-flour pumpkin bread, and garbanzo-bean flour pancakes. I don't buy cow's milk anymore, so we have tried every sort of milk not from a cow that is out there.

The other day my husband said to me, "I had a dream about sweet-and-sour pork..." And I basically said, "Shove your complaining up your ass. Do you want to cook? You need to lose weight." Then my poor husband took his undernourished, starved body to the corner and cried.

Fun Fact I Learned Yesterday:

Wine is not on the 'ALLOWED' foods list with this particular cleanse. I have learned my lesson. You'd think they'd include some vices to make the cleanse easier, but the ClearVite folks don't care about your comfort, dammit, they just want your insides clean and sparkly. I may go re-read the pamphlet for the 160th time to see if pot gets the green-light. Who knows, I might qualify for medicinal use....

Advertising

Today is Day 6; for days 5-7 of this acupuncturist-recommended cleanse, I am supposed to take double the amount of ClearVite powdery stuff. I checked the handout I was given yesterday to re-read the instructions and I noticed a picture on the front of a SUPER HAPPY couple who presumably use ClearVite.

The girl part of the couple looks normal happy. And then the guy part of the couple looks...mentally retarded happy. I'm wondering if the photo shoot for ClearVite went a little long and by the time they got a picture they wanted to use, the poor guy was just slap happy. His mouth is hanging kind of loosely open, in a sort of gaping, mindless smile. If I can figure out how to post pictures on this wondrous blog, I will! They are either marketing that a) I will be happy taking ClearVite or b) I will become disabled after the process. Keep you posted.

Anyway, not eating the common food allergens has proven to be a good thing-no diarrhea! I am unnaturally happy about this because after having had abnormal things going onf for awhile, I'm happy to have normal things going on...

Days 8-14 of eating powdery weirdness is supposed to be THREE times a day.

Things Are Looking Up

This is Day 4 of not eating milk, eggs, peanuts, etc. etc.

It's been easier than I anticipated making food. I have bread I can eat, rice, fish, veggies, fruit, and potatoes are allowed. There is even this lovely brand of chocolate (Chocolove) that doesn't use milk, just chocolate liqueur. I just made some pancakes out of gluten-free Bisquick and I used flax meal instead of eggs.

That's the hard part, really, looking at a recipe and transferring all of the 'not-allowed' ingredients into something allowed. Eggs, milk, butter=flax meal, rice milk, olive oil. It's like speaking a different language. I read a recipe and translate it into WEIRD.

The ClearVite stuff is getting easier to stomach because I drink it super fast. I wish I could eat it like my dog eats. I tossed him an old hot dog once and it disappeared. He ate it whole, just slid it down his throat and looked for more. I gave him a treat last week and made him jump to get it. The treat was so small and his gaping maw so wide that he didn't realize he had eaten it. The next five minutes was entirely devoted to searching for said treat on the ground. I am making every effort to down my ClearVite shake as fast and as brainlessly as I can.

The most important thing that I've noticed is that I don't have diarrhea. Shh, let's hope it lasts...

Day 2-Cream of...Rice? & DiaReeUh

Day 2. I tried to put the ClearVite in flax milk with mixed results. It still tastes like weird powdery stuff and not like a magical, vanilla-flavored wellness shake. That's kind of what I was hoping for. In other restricted dietary news, there is something called Cream of Rice that, when mixed with various sweet things like honey or agave, actually tastes pretty good!

Let's talk frankly about the word 'diarrhea'. Does anyone know how to spell it? I do now. But if I were to phonetically spell this word, it would definitely be more like 'di-uh-ree-uh'. That's how I would spell it. Unfortunately when you link those letters together it probably wouldn't get pronounced diarrhea. Diuhreeuh looks more like 'dwee-ree-uh', which would just further confuse everyone. Perhaps 'diareeuh'?  I submit that the spelling of this word (and also 'naseau') needs to be simplified for the everyman and so that when our world genuinely becomes like Idiocracy, maybe they'll still be able to spell it. Or just use pictograms at the hospital, I guess.

As for diarrhea, I've been having less of it, thanks. :)

I am encouraged and frightened by something the latest acupuncturist said. He actually used the f-word (yes, the f-word, I will type 'diarrhea' on the Internet but NOT the f-word, so sue me....) in reference to a lot of the 'Western' doctors I'd seen. He said that giving me Levothyroxine actually kills my thyroid faster, which I need to ask about.

This encourages me because it's nice to have someone angry for me, so angry that they fervently want to fix everything! It frightens me because I wonder when my body will kill off all of my thryoid. The dosage of Levothyroxine that I've been on has basically been steadily increased over the last seven months. Hopefully it's not too late for some healing to happen.

Day 1-ClearVite Cleanse & Not Eating Anything Yummy or Good

Today is Day Number 1 of 'Doing What the Acupuncturist Told Me' and that is to eat this powdery stuff that is supposed to clean out my insides and to stop eating peanuts, tomatoes, milk, soy, gluten/wheat, corn (in my particular case), and eggs.

Obviously, I'm a bit saddened by these restrictions in my diet, but it's only three weeks and I know I can do it! If, as the acupuncturist surmises, I can a) stop the inflammation in my body and b) get my thyroid functioning again, then it'll all be well worth it. The alternative I have been offered by several MDs is basically to take pain relievers (for the arthritis) and wait until my body starts attacking other parts of itself, like my liver. I choose Door #1, with the possibility of a cure. After all, Door #2, slow death at the hand of my own immune system is STILL an option if Door #1 turns out to be hogwash.This blog is basically to let you all know how acupuncture and herbal medicine goes and if it works, encourage you to try it. So, let me be your human guinea pig of medicine.

Also, this blog will probably include lots of disgusting details about my health and my life, so if you don't want to read about it, stop now. :) You've been warned and are heretofore taking responsibility for the damage to your psyche if you proceed.

The idea is that something I'm eating is causing inflammation because I'm 'sensitive' to it. After the three weeks of not eating anything yummy, I am supposed to eat one of the foods that were taken out to see if it causes an allergic reaction...like diarreah. So, those should be some fun weeks:

"Mm, scrambled eggs for breakfast? Sure."

-2 hours and some diarreah later-

"Nope, eggs are on the NO list..."

So far today I've had chicken sausage, applesauce, tea, milk-free chocolate, a strange-but-surprisingly-good millet tortilla, something called a 'Macrobar', and some veggies. It's not so bad.

An anecdote from my appointment:

Me: "Mr. Acupuncturist, do you have any herbal remedies that I might try to stimulate my thyroid?"

Mr. Acupuncturist (MA): "Well, look at it this way, if you were remodeling a house that was dirty and disgusting, where would you start? I mean, the plumbing is shot, there's mold everywhere, there's a lot of work to be done."

Me: "What are you trying to tell me about myself?"

MA: Blank look.

Me: "...um, I guess I would gut the place."

MA: Silence.

Me: "...or, I would make a list of what needed to be done?"

MA: "Okay, well, wouldn't you clean stuff up first? Paint some walls? With you, I need to clean everything out first."

Fail! But on the upside, I'm hoping to be a shiny, new painted house soon. :)

Things I Learned Today:

ClearVite powder is disgusting when mixed with apple juice (Yes, I can eat apples, you jerks!). I won't do it again.

For a Hilarious List of All the Doctors I've Seen, Click Here: http://nickyquinby.blogspot.com/p/backstory.html.