Do You Hear What I Hear?

Things have been busy lately, as I'm sure they have for all of us. Instead of writing distinct posts, I'm going to bullet-list it tonight.

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•  The Horror Story of My Ear

Yesterday I stuck a Q-Tip in my ear and experienced excruciating pain, but noticed no damage. I could still hear, there was no blood, and there was no pain. That evening, however, I noticed dried blood on my earlobe and followed the trail back into my ear. Suffice to say I was freaked out. I woke my husband from a dead sleep because THERE WAS BLOOD COMING FROM MY EAR. He was not amused. Following is an abridged transcript from the doctor's office:

Receptionist: "Hi! Are you Nichole?"
Me: "Yep, I have an appointment at two."
Receptionist: "Okay...I'm sorry I laughed at you on the phone."
Me: "It's okay, I'm laughing right now."

Doctor (looking in my ear): "Well....there's definitely blood. Oh! A lot of blood. I think you ruptured your ear drum."

After this, she sticks a strange ear-machine into my ear that hums, vibrates, and tells her important things about the pressure in my ear. Apparently the machine tells her my ear drum is not ruptured.

Me: "Well...where is the bleeding coming from?"
Doctor: "I don't know. Let's treat you like you have a lot of ear wax and rinse your ears out." 

Thus followed a strange experience in which a virtual stranger shot pressurized streams of water into my ear, sucked it back out (simultaneously! A miracle of technology.), and laughed while I attempted to maintain my equilibrium. Once cleared of blood, it was clear I had just scratched myself. !!!!!

• Apparently Tinnitus (Ringing in the Ears) Can Be Linked to Hypothyroidism

This is important to me because I have had ringing in my ears for awhile. Not debilitating ringing, just a kind of high pitched sound I only notice when it's very quiet. This article from the New York Times was posted by a Facebook friend; it just talks about tinnitus generally. Another article is just plain called "Your Thyroid Can Make Your Ears Ring!" and says: "Tinnitus is actually a common effect of thyroid dysfunction. A lot of people with this condition get a ringing in their ears." This was news to me.

• Men's Health Recently Wrote A Worm Article!

Remember when I had worms? Turns out I should have kept them. The blastocyst parasite was bad, but lots of people are thinking worms are GOOD! Something about having a colony of worms in your gut (no joke) can help people with autoimmune conditions. Read it here. Some remain unconvinced, but "the chief benefit, the proponents of helminthic therapy claim, is an optimized immune system—one that parasitic worms help train, exercise, and prevent from going haywire by way of a variety of dampening mechanisms and secreted compounds that researchers are just beginning to identify."

Ears, ringing, and worms, oh, my!

Comments on How Cruel Movies Are To Expectant Women

Last time I was pregnant with my son, the final installment of the Twilight series came out. In which, you recall, a vampire baby clawed it's way out of Bella's previously unblemished, alabaster tummy. I tried not to draw comparisons but since I was nine months pregnant it was a totally futile effort.

I borrowed the book from a co-worker. Upon returning it, I asked why she didn't warn me. She didn't want to ruin it for me.

I was not amused. 

These last couple months when I was pregnant and also when I wasn't so pregnant, I was watching The Walking Dead and Ridley Scott's Alien movies. Poor choice, Nicky, poor choice.

In a recent episode of The Walking Dead a pregnant lady pondered whether her baby, if stillborn, would become a zombie inside of her and eat her from the inside out.

!!!!!!!

I can't stop thinking about this. Surely her baby will be born alive, but if, if her baby dies there be a ZOMBIE BABY. And it would be surrounded my yummy, alive, pulsating flesh. And it would eat it's way out. Joyfully (Sadly? Kinda wanted to see that...) this didn't happen.


In the Aliens sequel Prometheus, a lady had an alien implanted into her uterus and then decided to have a do-it-yourself C-Section. Having had a c-section, I can say that it wasn't accurate at all (there are layers of muscle and fat to get through, people!), but nonetheless the image stays with me. Seconds before her uterus explodes apart via alien, a robot surgeon pulls an alien squid from her belly. "Ma-ma!"

http://geekleagueofamerica.com/2012/07/05/idiot-theater-employee-spoils-prometheus-for-moviegoer/

After her impromptu surgery, Noomi Rapace initially wanders around as if in pain, but then she just suits up and runs around the creepy alien planet. I am not a doctor (Speak up if you are!) but I am fairly sure her staples would come out.

Surely, whatever happens in a real pregnancy has got to be better than what pop culture is putting into our brains. :)

In Praise of My Daughter

In light of having miscarriages, I have been overwhelmed with thankfulness for my two kiddos. A few weeks ago I was playing with my daughter and I suddenly got very emotional. I told her how thankful I was that she was her and I started crying, but more out of thankfulness than sadness. She's just a miracle! At first, she thought my crying grimace was laughter and asked, "Mom, it's funny?" and I told her it was kind of funny. Then she noticed the tears and she said, "Mom, don't be sad! It's okay, don't be sad." I just hugged her hard.

That girl is a miracle child and let me tell you why. 

When I had my last ultrasound and they told me it looked like the gestational sac was at least 50% abrupted. It reminded my of my pregnancy with my DD. At 11 weeks I started bleeding pretty heavily. My DH and I called my mother-in-law to watch the toddler boy and we left in a hurry. Everyone was pretty somber and we assumed I would miscarry. At the midwive's office, however, we found that our little baby's heartbeat was still thumping away! Even though part of her placenta had abrupted and there was about a cup of blood hanging out in there with her, she was fine! It was a 'wait and see' sort of thing.

As time went on, the hemorrhage was absorbed. Fast forward through all that other horribleness to when she was born. She had/has an ear tag and sacral dimples. Initially because of the dimples they thought she had some degree of spina bifida. Cue the Mother Freakout. Over time, they have faded a little, she walks fine, and everyone calmed down a little bit. I looked into the ear tag and discovered that ear tags can also indicate a congenital defect-specifically kidney, urinary tract problems, and even hearing loss.

Then there's the fact that I was probably having some sort of thyroid problems during her pregnancy, I just didn't know about it. This article is flat-out entitled: Thyroid Disease Raises Risk For Birth Defects. "Twenty-one babies (18 percent) had birth defects, including problems in the cardiac, renal and central nervous systems and other disorders such as sunken chest, extra fingers, cleft lip and palate, and ear deformities. Two fetuses died before being delivered."

Another page, Thyroid Disease and Pregnancy, says that "... recent studies have suggested that mild brain developmental abnormalities may be present in children born to women who had mild untreated hypothyroidism during pregnancy."

So, my daughter might have had a degree of spina bifida (like a tethered spine), might have had kidney problems, and she might have had impaired brain development.

She doesn't.

I think God probably has a lot to do with that.

"For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb."

-Psalm 139:13 

Sometimes It Rains

I have debated and debated about writing a post about this. So the compromise I made with myself is that I would write it, because sometimes that's cathartic, and sometime when it's farther away from the present I can post it. Now it's only a month away, but it turns out that's enough time for me. I started this blog to process my health concerns and chronicle the things I try to do to help myself out. This is important to me, definitely is affected by my health and affects my health. So I'm writing about it. :)

I have posted before about how excited I am to try to have another kiddo, to try to have a VBAC and in that way conquer my c-section.

The hubs and I recently decided it would be okay to grow our family. I had all my labs done, talked to my doctor, and felt as sure as I could that my body was healthy! We got pregnant right away and promptly had a miscarriage. I think it's because I was unknowingly taking an abortifacient (you know, ones that can cause abortions) herb in my multi-vitamin, but it doesn't really matter.

We tried again right away and got pregnant again! Only at my eight week ultrasound, they said there was no heartbeat and to expect a miscarriage. It was incredibly awkward and horrible because a) there was a student ultrasound tech there who clearly didn't get it at first and b) they knew that something was wrong before I did. "We just need to take more pictures." "Um....let me go get the doctor so they can talk to you." Sigh. In the span of three months, I've been pregnant twice and disappointed twice.

I read the ultrasound report and it turns out that the egg sac was 'enlarged'. I guess that can be an indicator of genetic defects. It was clear that there was a hemorrhage around the egg sac, so it was pretty clear that Baby had already....become unstuck.

The thing about miscarriages is that, for me at least, it doesn't take that much time to mentally move on. What really bites is that the whole thing is long, drawn-out process. I haven't ever really considered it before, but Readers, a miscarriage takes TIME. Weeks, days, horribly long minutes.

So, one day you're thinking about what's for dinner and the next morning you're reminded that you are, in fact, having a miscarriage. And it last and lasts and, lest we forget, it really, really hurts. In my opinion, it was worse than my early stages of labor. My theory is that with labor there's a baby coming! So it hurts less. With miscarriage there's nothing coming! Yay! So it hurts more.

The other thing that made this particular miscarriage less than enjoyable was the absence (due to work obligations) of my husband. Gah.

I know how lucky I am to have the kids I have. The disappointment I felt is nothing compared to the sadness and disappointment I now imagine women who have been trying for years must feel. My kids were a bright reminder of the joy I already have.

Largely, the last two weeks, I haven't been eating as I normally would. I have succumbed to a raging desire for Snickers (technically wheat free) and Pillsbury frosting (which is mostly made of corn, processed corn, and more processed corn, all with different names). I just needed to confess. I have been trying to eat salads in the futile hope it balances out the nasty processed food I am indulging in.:D

I am concerned that the reason I haven't had another successful pregnancy so far is because of my thyroid or because of the weird autoimmune processes that are probably going on behind the scenes. But I will probably never know that. The University Hospital Center for Midwifery in Denver staff has been extremely supportive and wonderful. They aren't worried about the miscarriages right now because there's no reason to assume something besides regular ol' miscarrying is going on. One of my nurse midwives is actually pregnant right now, but she felt it might be helpful to tell me that she has had three miscarriages and three children. That's so amazing and encouraging! I can't tell you how I love to hear miscarriage stories because a) lots of women who have miscarriages go on to have children and b) women who have miscarriages survive and move on and are content.

I don't know why these things happen, but I do believe that God uses horrible things like this to refine us and help us become more compassionate, Christ-like believers. There is purpose in pain.

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; 

 I have tested you in the furnace of affliction. For my own sake, for my own sake, I do this.
    How can I let myself be defamed?
    I will not yield my glory to another."

Isaiah 48: 10-11