Miscarriage Recovery!

Check out my latest post over at Rocky Parenting!

The Encouragement of My Peers; Part 3

So, the incredibly uplifting side of having miscarriages is that it's time like these I am reminded of how loved I am. Let me show you pictorial proof: 

Flowers From Dad Q

I haven't taken pictures of all the edible love I've received. Dad Q bought me the best box of chocolates ever, a Toblerone, Andes mints, IntaJuice, and gluten-free take-out pizza. I have been showered in indulgence. One of my bestest friends mailed these beauties:

Godiva Truffles!

My kids were around right after the ultrasound in which I found out I'd be having another miscarriage. It was particularly sad because, though it's possible to hold things together emotionally for me initially, it is impossible to hold it together when someone I trust is around. As soon as I saw Dad Q I burst into tears.

Girl Q: "Why are you crying? Are you sad?!"

Me: "Yes! Kind of, yes!"

Girl Q: "Oh. Don't worry. We'll go home and I'll make you happy."

Me: "Okay!"

Girl Q: "I can make you a painting to make you happy."

Me: "I would love that!"

And later:

Boy Q: "Did the Doctor hurt you?"

Me: "No..."

Boy Q: "So, did you get a shot?"

Me: "No, no, nothing like that."

Boy Q: "So the doctor did hurt you."

Me: "No, Boy Q, I found out that there was a baby in me but it's heart stopped beating."

Boy Q: "Oh. So it's dead, huh?"

Me: "Yeah..."

Boy Q: "And that makes your tummy hurt?"

Me: "It makes my heart hurt."

Precious Q Kids. These are my Happy Paintings from Girl Q: 

Happy Paintings by Miniature Bob Ross

Every time she would bring me one, I'm not going to lie, it did make me happy. Most of them are flowers, but there's a sparkly greenish one near the middle that is a Christmas Tree.

There are many things I don't have pictures of. I don't have pictures of how often my parents checked in on me. I don't have a picture of how my in-laws drove a total of four hours just so Dad Q and I could go to the doctor together. I don't have a picture of the cousin who willingly watched our kids so we could figure stuff out and who (I'm still bowled over by this...) offered to drive here, take our children away, and then bring them back when it was appropriate! So many people have reached out and comforted us.

Today I worked at our small-town library and I had the pleasure of working with a woman who--wait for it!--has had three miscarriages, Lupus, several auto-immune conditions, and has lost a baby. I may have hugged her one too many times. It was a God Thing--a beautifully timed, much-needed, God Thing. 

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever.  

Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion
    because of the greatness of his unfailing love.

For he does not enjoy hurting people
    or causing them sorrow.

Lamentations 3:31-33

"He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. For the more we suffer for Christ, the more God will shower us with his comfort through Christ. Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. We are confident that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in the comfort God gives us."

2 Corinthians 1:4-7

My perfect box of chocolates:

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Russell-Stover-Assorted-Creams-Fine-Chocolates-12-Oz/10533851

What The Doctor Doesn't Know; Part 2 (or Percocet Makes Me Dizzy!)

I'm not going to bore you with options for miscarrying. In the past, I have done it at home. This time around I recognized that a) my husband would be leaving town soon and b) I couldn't safely do it at home, with two kids, on Percocet, alone. So I opted to have an iPass. This is also known as a D&C, which is, crudely,  just sucking the tissue out. It takes ten minutes and then you recuperate for another couple weeks.

"Embryonic Development" by Dream Designs; freedigitalphotos.net

Humorously, as I was laying uncomfortably on the table, the Doc and her assistant realized they didn't have all the materials needed for a D&C. As their office is primarily focused on getting women pregnant, I'm not sure they do D&Cs all that often. They could get the right materials but it would take an hour. This is how I found myself choosing instead to take a horrible miscarriage-inducing pill that must be taken with great amounts of pain killers. This is also how, at this very moment, I am typing a blog spot while on Percocet! That's a first.

"Wooden Spoon with Pills" by nuchylee; freedigitalphotos.net

Some of you might be curious, as I am, what the Doctors are saying about what could be causing my miscarriages.

Let me transcribe the questions I have asked (with some embellishment) along with the Doc's answers:

Thyroid Hormone Levels:

Could my TSH levels be going above 2.5 (it's recommended that pregnant women be below 2.5 for baby-making and growing; TSH needs rise in pregnancy and therefore medication has to be increased) and could that rise be contributing to fetal demise? Yes.

Should I be raising my thyroid medication by more when I get pregnant? Maybe. There's no way to tell.

Auto-Immune Problems:

Could my thyroid auto-antibodies and the other auto-antibodies I have be attacking my embryos and killing them? Yes.

Is there any way to tell if this is happening? No.

Is there any way to stop it if my body is attacking? No. Trials have been done giving pregnant women with auto-immune diseases immune-system suppressive drugs and it is more dangerous for mom and baby.

So my body's immune system is SO "GOOD", it's attacking my healthy tissue as well as my little Q Beans?! Could be.

Scar Tissue:

Could there be scar tissue from my C-section interfering with baby-growing? Probably not.

Could there be scar tissue from previous miscarriages interfering with baby-growing? Maybe.

Miscellaneous:

Could I be ovulating too close to my period so that the lining of my uterus isn't thick and lucious enough for a little baby to grow in? Yes.

Could there be a genetic predisposition to chromosome problems with Dad Q and I? Yes. You just have two normal kids because it was luck. Statistically they should be mutants.

To sum up, it could be many things. Some of those things are quantifiable and testable and many are not. The "problem", as my Curly-Haired Doc said, is that with recurrent miscarriage it's just plain hard to tell. This is one of those doctor games where we will rule out things and then look at what's left over.

The Advanced Maternal Medicine office was all set to run some other tests on me--the saline ultrasound (which would reveal any obstructions like polyps, cysts, scar tissue, etc.), some gene karyotyping, etc. but then we got pregnant. My current instructions are these: Miscarry. Don't get pregnant. Do diagnostic tests. Check!

There's one positive thing I can say about Percocet. Despite the nausea, I'm finding myself to be very apathetic. I'm a fan. :)

The TragiComedy of My Life, Part 1

"Uterus" by cbenjasuwan

Last week I found out I'm going to have another miscarriage. This brings the tally up to a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage at eight weeks, a missed miscarriage, and now another at eight weeks. Exactly one year ago on the same day, I found out the same exact thing. Halloween has become kind of a drag for me.


We weren't even trying to get pregnant this time; it was just fortuitous. I am lucky in that I don't have trouble getting pregnant. I am terrifically unlucky in that, aside from my two healthy children, I can't seem to have another.

Our experience this time around has been tinged with apprehension and anxiety. I found a doctor at the Advanced Maternal Medicine* office whom I like very much. Mostly this is because she has personally had miscarriages but also because she is very pragmatic. She also has jealousy-inducing curly hair.

At our first two appointments, she matter-of-factly gave us the good news that she could see the heartbeat, thumping merrily along. At the third, she matter-of-factly told me she couldn't see one. Later she hugged me and told me I didn't have to tell her it was "okay". She is one of the good docs who will take the time to answer my questions.

For the last year we've been trying to have another baby.

These are the moments I can't forget: 

• Wondering if all the other women in the waiting room feel like I do.

• Getting blood drawn again and again and again...sometimes to confirm I'm pregnant and sometimes to confirm I'm not.

• Standing in the shower, watching blood go down the drain like my own personal horror movie.

• Staring at the ample supply of condoms (for intrauterine ultrasounds) and glowing sanitizing instruments in the ultrasound room.

• Looking at the kids I do have and wondering how I missed what a miracle it is that they're here.

• Explaining to my kids why I'm crying.  

• Making a mental list of people I know who have endured losses and have survived.

•  Realizing that a) there's nothing I can do to change anything and b) there's really not much the doctors can do either. 

• The Piece de Resistance? Dad Q and I went out to eat last night to discuss some tough choices and initially we were seated alone. "Triumph!" I thought. "Privacy!" Alas. A group with a PREGNANT LADY was seated right next to us. God had given me no warning for the test I was about to endure. (See: Pregnant Women Are Smug.) Conversation topics covered, in no particular order: morning sickness, general nausea, food cravings, paternity leave (seriously?), maternity clothes, newborn clothes, and obstetricians. I understand that I'm being selfish but I really wanted to punch her. She's allowed to be overjoyed. I'm allowed to be bitter. :) I was there to prepare for a miscarriage and she was there to share news of her pregnancy. What are the f***ing odds? Thankfully I was able to text a friend who understood my situation and totally understood my inclination towards violence. Somehow having someone support you in sucker punching a pregnant woman totally alleviates the need to do so.

An Otherwise Update:

No Big D, not really. I have been drinking coffee lately (I know I shouldn't, but some good news--see here) and sometimes it actually helps with Big D. I don't get it. I don't care. :)

My thyroid medicine is still on the highest dose to keep my levels in a good place to get pregnant. I might have to re-evaluate--meet up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist and just try to wean off medicine now instead of 'waiting' forever to have another kid.

I need to sleep more.

I have been doing horribly with diet stuff. Mostly because over the last year I feel beat down and hopelessness has crept in. If, when I was sticking to organic fruits and veggies and doing everything right I still have a miscarriage, then what's the point?I know that isn't logical. After all, things like good habits, hygiene, and good nutrition are really their own reward. It was much easier to eat well when I thought I was helping prepare my body to sustain another pregnancy. Now I struggle with finding the point. I'll get there, I just need some time. It's time to feed myself and my family well and live well just for nutrition's sake.

The Good? We love where we live. I'm starting to be a Librarian again. I have an awesome family. We bought a puppy. We have everything we need and more. We are surrounded by people who care for us deeply and that's worth more than words can say. You know who you are. :) Plus my husband buys me chocolate and flowers to console me. It could be worse.

Coming Up: What The Doctor Doesn't Know; Part 2 and The Encouragement of My Peers; Part 3.

*I would love to go back to the Cool Acupuncture Guy, but insurance doesn't cover him. So if every appointment is around $200 and I have to see him more than once a month...well, I'm not good at math but it doesn't bode well for our budget. 

How We Do Harm: A Doctor Breaks Ranks About Being Sick In America

I haven't posted in awhile, but I promise real updates are forthcoming! For now, a review.

I read a book a few months ago and forgot to post a review of it! Dr. Otis Webb Brawley "is the chief medical and scientific officer of The American Cancer Society, an oncologist with a dazzling clinical, research, and policy career."

Here's part of the book description from Amazon: "Brawley tells of doctors who select treatment based on payment they will receive, rather than on demonstrated scientific results; hospitals and pharmaceutical companies that seek out patients to treat even if they are not actually ill (but as long as their insurance will pay); a public primed to swallow the latest pill, no matter the cost; and rising healthcare costs for unnecessary—and often unproven—treatments that we all pay for. Brawley calls for rational healthcare, healthcare drawn from results-based, scientifically justifiable treatments, and not just the peddling of hot new drugs."


It's full of individual patient stories and snapshots that help Dr. Brawley make his points, which makes it easy to read.

Favorite quotes: 

In regards to a woman who was told that, in addition to other treatments, a bone marrow transplant would eradicate her cancer but then found out later it was semi-experimental and did more harm than good:

"The problem is, we don't use our expensive drugs and technologies appropriately. Instead of using these interventions to benefit patients, we use them to maximize revenues, and often harm patients. If we could learn to practice medicine rationally, the money we would save would help us provide the most basic care for those who are now shut out of the system. Health care for the rich would benefit as well, because in medicine gluttony equals harm."

In regards to money as a medical motivator:

"Too often, helping the patient isn't the point. Economic incentives can dictate that the patient be ground up as expensively as possible with the goal of maximizing the cut of every practitioner who gets involved. When we, doctors, are at our best, we set aside our self-interest and put the patient's interest first. When we aren't at our best, the public pays more in fees, insurance premiums, taxes--and poor outcomes."