Monday, November 4, 2013

The TragiComedy of My Life, Part 1

"Uterus" by cbenjasuwan

Last week I found out I'm going to have another miscarriage. This brings the tally up to a chemical pregnancy, a miscarriage at eight weeks, a missed miscarriage, and now another at eight weeks. Exactly one year ago on the same day, I found out the same exact thing. Halloween has become kind of a drag for me.


We weren't even trying to get pregnant this time; it was just fortuitous. I am lucky in that I don't have trouble getting pregnant. I am terrifically unlucky in that, aside from my two healthy children, I can't seem to have another.

Our experience this time around has been tinged with apprehension and anxiety. I found a doctor at the Advanced Maternal Medicine* office whom I like very much. Mostly this is because she has personally had miscarriages but also because she is very pragmatic. She also has jealousy-inducing curly hair.

At our first two appointments, she matter-of-factly gave us the good news that she could see the heartbeat, thumping merrily along. At the third, she matter-of-factly told me she couldn't see one. Later she hugged me and told me I didn't have to tell her it was "okay". She is one of the good docs who will take the time to answer my questions.

For the last year we've been trying to have another baby.

These are the moments I can't forget: 
  • Wondering if all the other women in the waiting room feel like I do.
  • Getting blood drawn again and again and again...sometimes to confirm I'm pregnant and sometimes to confirm I'm not.
  • Standing in the shower, watching blood go down the drain like my own personal horror movie.
  • Staring at the ample supply of condoms (for intrauterine ultrasounds) and glowing sanitizing instruments in the ultrasound room.
  • Looking at the kids I do have and wondering how I missed what a miracle it is that they're here.
  • Explaining to my kids why I'm crying.  
  • Making a mental list of people I know who have endured losses and have survived.
  •  Realizing that a) there's nothing I can do to change anything and b) there's really not much the doctors can do either. 
  • The Piece de Resistance? Dad Q and I went out to eat last night to discuss some tough choices and initially we were seated alone. "Triumph!" I thought. "Privacy!" Alas. A group with a PREGNANT LADY was seated right next to us. God had given me no warning for the test I was about to endure. (See: Pregnant Women Are Smug.) Conversation topics covered, in no particular order: morning sickness, general nausea, food cravings, paternity leave (seriously?), maternity clothes, newborn clothes, and obstetricians. I understand that I'm being selfish but I really wanted to punch her. She's allowed to be overjoyed. I'm allowed to be bitter. :) I was there to prepare for a miscarriage and she was there to share news of her pregnancy. What are the f***ing odds? Thankfully I was able to text a friend who understood my situation and totally understood my inclination towards violence. Somehow having someone support you in sucker punching a pregnant woman totally alleviates the need to do so.
An Otherwise Update:

No Big D, not really. I have been drinking coffee lately (I know I shouldn't, but some good news--see here) and sometimes it actually helps with Big D. I don't get it. I don't care. :)

My thyroid medicine is still on the highest dose to keep my levels in a good place to get pregnant. I might have to re-evaluate--meet up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist and just try to wean off medicine now instead of 'waiting' forever to have another kid.

I need to sleep more.

I have been doing horribly with diet stuff. Mostly because over the last year I feel beat down and hopelessness has crept in. If, when I was sticking to organic fruits and veggies and doing everything right I still have a miscarriage, then what's the point?I know that isn't logical. After all, things like good habits, hygiene, and good nutrition are really their own reward. It was much easier to eat well when I thought I was helping prepare my body to sustain another pregnancy. Now I struggle with finding the point. I'll get there, I just need some time. It's time to feed myself and my family well and live well just for nutrition's sake.

The Good? We love where we live. I'm starting to be a Librarian again. I have an awesome family. We bought a puppy. We have everything we need and more. We are surrounded by people who care for us deeply and that's worth more than words can say. You know who you are. :) Plus my husband buys me chocolate and flowers to console me. It could be worse.

Coming Up: What The Doctor Doesn't Know; Part 2 and The Encouragement of My Peers; Part 3.

*I would love to go back to the Cool Acupuncture Guy, but insurance doesn't cover him. So if every appointment is around $200 and I have to see him more than once a month...well, I'm not good at math but it doesn't bode well for our budget. 

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About Me

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Elizabeth, CO, United States
I'm a Mombrarian.