Detoxification: I Won't Go!

I did a bad thing.

I Googled ClearVite.

The first thing I found was a Facebook discussion in which two women were discussing how it gave them diarrhea. I'm a little confused why a cleanse would give some people diarrhea and would give me the opposite of diarrhea, that is, a fantastic bathroom experience!

I gave up Googling because I realized that a) if this is working for me, who the hell cares what happened to a poor stranger's bowels? and b) Googling always begets worry. In fact, Googling anything health-related generally multiplies fear, anxiety, paranoia, etc. etc. So I re-read the ClearVite pamphlet instead.

I now realize that until today I have been in what is called the 'Preparation Phase'. Today is the start of 'Detoxification'. Not only does this make me feel like a drug addict, but I'm anticipating that taking ClearVite powder three times a day will do something new, somehow, to my body. Maybe this is when I will be deep in the throes of withdrawal.

The drug cocktail: bread, milk, eggs, peanuts, soy, corn, and tomoatoes (BMEPSCT). Withdrawal Symptoms Include: Fantasies about bread, dreams about fast food restaurants (particularly Arby's and KFC), subconsicously 'forgetting' that I'm not allowed to eat certain things, and shyly avoiding the subject of food entirely in conversation.

Perhaps the saddest part of this process has been watching my family go through some of the BMEPSCT withdrawal. Cruelly, since I am the major cook here, they are forced to eat things like gluten-free pizza, rice-flour pumpkin bread, and garbanzo-bean flour pancakes. I don't buy cow's milk anymore, so we have tried every sort of milk not from a cow that is out there.

The other day my husband said to me, "I had a dream about sweet-and-sour pork..." And I basically said, "Shove your complaining up your ass. Do you want to cook? You need to lose weight." Then my poor husband took his undernourished, starved body to the corner and cried.

Fun Fact I Learned Yesterday:

Wine is not on the 'ALLOWED' foods list with this particular cleanse. I have learned my lesson. You'd think they'd include some vices to make the cleanse easier, but the ClearVite folks don't care about your comfort, dammit, they just want your insides clean and sparkly. I may go re-read the pamphlet for the 160th time to see if pot gets the green-light. Who knows, I might qualify for medicinal use....