When Life Doesn't Look Like You Thought It Would...

I haven't blogged here in awhile because I don't want to. I don't have anything terribly uplifting to say. But I think it's time.

I just got rid of the last of our baby stuff. Well, that's not true--there's a stack of three bins and one trash bag full of baby girl clothes in the corner of the garage. I had one woman who was interested in buying them all at once but, as with so many Craigslist endeavors, it fell through.

This past July (my daughter's 4th birthday) marked two years that we've been trying to have a third child. If you've been keeping up with me, you know that during and after my daughter's pregnancy were kind of dicey. My body hasn't been the same since.

I was hoping that after this much time I'd be able to announce on this crazy blog that we had successfully had another baby!

Alas.

After two years of hoping, I decided it might be time to purge the leftovers of babyhood--the swing, the high chair, the clothes, the toys, the changing table, the books, the idea...

After four miscarriages and a chemical pregnancy, I don't make any baby name lists. I can't afford to get excited about another kiddo. I realize now that more cynical, pragmatic people are often less disappointed. I'm finally ready to get rid of all the crap I've been saving. Really, it's an act of self-defense. PURGE.

I know quite a few of you who struggled with/struggle with infertility or secondary infertility and I don't want to diminish any of our experiences by comparing. I do have two healthy, beautiful kids. I think what I mourn is the expectation and the idea that I had in my head of what my reality would be. I hope that makes sense. I think ALL of us do that, just in different ways:

• "I thought I would have as many kids as I ever wanted as easily as I dreamed!" 
• "I thought I would be married by now." 
• "I thought I would have my dream job by now." 
• "I thought I would like being married more." 
• "I thought I would not live in _____ anymore." 

You probably have your own version. So right now I'm trying to envision my life differently. I'm trying to see it as it IS with two kids and just be CONTENT and GRATEFUL. It's a pity that it doesn't come more naturally. 

In more mundane news, after the first two miscarriages I found it incredibly difficult to maintain a healthy diet because I was angry. Why try so hard when it obviously made no difference? Unfortunately, I'm finding it's still a good idea to eat a healthy diet and get my greens. Might have to dust off the juicer and try again--not for a future baby, but just for me.